Music, Film, TV & BooksNight of the Templar (2013) TWR

 

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 From:  Kenny J (WINGNUTKJ)  
 To:  ALL
42745.1 
Low-budget medieval romp by one man and showbiz chums.

I can't really leave it at ten words though, because this thing was utter utter crap, very much in the tradition of Tommy Wiseau's The Room. So, here are ten things about it:
  1. One man wrote, directed, played the (or both) lead characters, cast it, co-ordinated the stunts, and so on.
  2. It looks like he also wrote most of the high-rated reviews on IMDB and Amazon. You can tell by the writing style. These are more enjoyable than the film.
  3. The plot is that in olden times, some Templars were betrayed for gold, and their leader threatened vengeance "ten lifetimes" later. Cut to modern times, when a murder-mystery weekend is about to take place...
  4. The special effect to show which characters in Templar-Era are which characters in Modern-Era is hilariously bad morphing, made all the worse by some of the knights now being women.
  5. The Modern-Era "castle" is obviously one of those awful American mansions built to look like an American's idea of what a castle is like by someone with a shaky grasp of history, architecture, defensibility and interior design.
  6. It's one of David Carradine's final roles and the film was released posthumously.
  7. Norman "Walking Dead" Reedus is in it. From reading the IMDB reviews, I understand that he and the writer/actor/director are old chums from their mid-90s male modelling days. His character has a scene where he enjoys auto-erotic asphyxiation. Yes, they went there.
  8. Billy Drago, an actor you've probably seen in a million bit-parts without really recognising, plays the chef, who is a transvestite for no other reason than possibly to pun on the actor's name.
  9. Other actors who you may or may not recognise include Jack Donner, Udo Kier and Max Perlich.
  10. The female characters are all pretty much disposable, which is just as well, because they pretty much all get disposed of.

Anyway, it is/was one on many, many terrible films on Channel 5's on-demand player, and I watched it so you don't have to.

Kenny
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 From:  CHYRON (DSMITHHFX)  
 To:  Kenny J (WINGNUTKJ)     
42745.2 In reply to 42745.1 
Quote: 
one of those awful American mansions built to look like an American's idea of what a castle is like by someone with a shaky grasp of history, architecture, defensibility and interior design

cf. Toronto's own "Casa Loma."

"Watch Colorful Paint Smash into Artist’s Face in Super Slow Motion"
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 From:  CHYRON (DSMITHHFX)  
 To:  ALL
42745.3 
OMFG, trailer looks AWESOME  :-D

"Watch Colorful Paint Smash into Artist’s Face in Super Slow Motion"
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 From:  Kenny J (WINGNUTKJ)  
 To:  CHYRON (DSMITHHFX)     
42745.4 In reply to 42745.3 
Keeping with the fact that the meta-aspects of the film are just as terrible as the film itself, I quite like that the description of the video is the publicist for the film asking YouTube not to delete it, because he actually does have permission to upload it.

Kenny
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