With Windows Update and all security updates disabled?

Well it is an option I didn't expect to have (thought everything would be 8 or newer), but... why?

I don't want "ok, well I can't do that over the phone, so remind me to have a look at it when I'm next down".
I want "ok, well since I have the exact same hardware and OS I'll figure it out here then let you know what to do".

Remote desktop, VNC or Teamviewer. Login/connect and start having a look.

I know that running updates on a *nix based system with a package manager is a million times easier, less intrusive and less forceful, also especially easy remotely (ssh).

Yeah, too expensive unfortunately. If I'm going to bother I wouldn't really spend more than £500. My last two laptops have been from the Dell outlet and I think there's something there which could fit the bit - Inspiron 13- 5368 2-in-1, touchscreen doesn't interest me but I just won't use it.

If I could stick a 1920x1080 screen on my laptop I would!

I did indeed end up with a Inspiron 13- 5368 2-in-1.

My question to you is, HiDPI screens (well, not as high as the XPS 13) on Linux - know of a desktop environment that can handle it nicely?

Currently I've only seen 1x or 2x settings for some, rather than 1.1..1.2..1.3 etc.

I'm currently just having Chrome scale to 125% for everything.

I've read a few things about using the 2x DE scaling then using xrandr to downscale that (typical linux :D )