Ah-hah. The problem is with how I'm trying to print the array elements.
If I use "print" it just outputs "Array". print_r prints the content, but does it like this:
Array ( [0] => The service was excellent. [text] => The service was excellent. )
How on earth do i just get the bit of text I need out of it?! This shit was so easy in QBASIC :(